


The Public Relations Representative

by orphan_account



Series: Batman/Superman Office!AU [11]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU, Teen Titans - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, F/F, F/M, Humor, M/M, a mess we all love, cass is a mess, she's the fun one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-13
Updated: 2016-06-13
Packaged: 2018-07-14 18:06:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7184633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An Office!AU that explores the lives of the employees of Kent-Wayne Industries.</p><p>Name: Cassandra Cain<br/>Age: 26<br/>Occupation: Public Relations Representative<br/>Likes: playing pranks, sushi<br/>Dislikes: papparazzi, condescending peoepl<br/>Number of Days Without a Work-Related Injury: 1<br/>Last Work-Related Injury: there was a sex-related incident in a bathroom stall and she's leaving it at that</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Public Relations Representative

**Author's Note:**

> Guys, I'm so sorry for being absent.
> 
> All I can say is that I have been very busy these past few weeks. For the next few months (maybe even until December) it looks like I will be doing the majority of my writing on week nights. Posting will be sporadic (shocker).
> 
> I would like to thank you all for being so patient. Life has just been very busy. Not necessarily difficult, just a little overwhelming and constantly providing me with activities to keep me from updating. 
> 
> I'm hoping to do plenty of writing tomorrow. For those of you who read The Miscommunication of Severance, I'm really aiming for posting a new chapter a week from now (fingers crossed for doing that sooner). As for this series, I have three more stories before it's completed. 
> 
> I would also like to let you guys know that I'm going to begin writing for the Marvel fandom...
> 
> Now guys I don't necessarily like one fandom over the other. I've always been into Marvel. Especially the movies! I've just never been inspired to write for them until recently. Civil War and X-Men came out last month, so I have ideas for SuperHusbands and Cherik that I'm going to explore. But that will most likely not happen until I complete The Misscommunication of Severance. 
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy!
> 
> UPDATE: [My Tumblr](http://burningice2.tumblr.com/)

**I. The Gotham Gazette**

 

The newest issue of the Gotham Gazette hit the stands that morning, and her phone had been ringing off the hook all day. According to the latest gossip, Bruce was having an affair with a pilot named Hal Jordan. The truth was that Bruce and Hal’s parents were good friends, and they vacationed together when they both owned properties in Hawaii. Bruce called Hal often, and they met for a meal once a month.

Cass was on her phone, working on damage control when Clark finally joined her, Alfred, and Bruce downstairs for breakfast. Clark frowned, because when Cass was at their house this early in the morning, it meant that it was time to buckle up for damage control. Unfortunately, this wasn’t their first rodeo.

“Oh, no.”

“Good morning to you, too, Mr. Kent.” Cass had the decency to pay rapt attention to her phone so that Clark could kiss Bruce good morning. “We have some clean up to do, gentlemen.”

“Cass, it’s Clark.”

Bruce poured himself a cup of coffee. “What is it this time, Cass?”

Cass dropped her copy of the Gotham Gazette on the kitchen island. She opened it to the gossip section, where the largest image was of Bruce and Hal sitting together at an intimate lunch. Bruce was handing Hal a wrapped present across the table and, yes, it looked questionable, but those close to Bruce knew better.

“Honestly,” Bruce scoffed. “People make assumptions out of the smallest gestures.”

Cass didn’t miss the way Clark’s eyes glazed over in slight irritation when he looked at Bruce and Hal at lunch. It was none of Cass’s business, but she wished that Bruce would do anything to placate Clark’s inane worries: a small kiss, a simple touch, anything to communicate that there was only ever going to be Clark.

“Which asses need kicking?”

“No need,” Bruce said. “The whole thing is ridiculous. I won’t even dignify this with a response. I see they failed to mention that it was Hal’s birthday, and his fiancée is recovering from brain surgery.” He downed his cup of coffee in one gulp and checked his phone. “We’re going to be late if we don’t leave now, dear,” Bruce said to Clark.

Cass sighed when her phone buzzed. “Mr. Wayne, Vicky Vale is outside of Wayne Enterprises waiting for an interview. I can go ahead of you and Mr. Kent to ward off the hounds.”

“Thank you, Cass. And it’s Bruce.”

It was just another day at work.

 

 

 

**II. The Motivational Speaker**

“Mr. Wayne! Mr. Wayne!”

Cass walked in front of Bruce with security following closely. She ignored the shouts of the paparazzi with only her task on her mind—get Bruce to the limo in one piece.

Once they were safely in reach of the limo, Bruce turned around and held Cass back. “I need you to go back inside,” he said a little loudly over the yells of the paparazzi and flashes and clicks of the cameras. “There’s a motivational speaker that’s going to improve work flow.”

The perks of being Bruce Wayne’s PR Rep was getting out of some of the pointless exercises he makes the rest of his employees attend. “Sir,” she began stiffly, extremely resistant to engaging with a motivational speaker.

“Go.”

And that was that. No arguing. No ifs, ands, or buts.

Cass did not sulk to the fourth floor conference room.

It wasn’t as if she thought herself above the Wayne Enterprises employees; she just thought she knew what was in her job description.

The fourth floor conference room was madness.

Her eyes were immediately drawn toward Damian, who had Jason pinned on top of the conference table, pouring what looked to be teardrops in his eyes. The scene would be more confusing if Wally wasn’t kneeling on the conference table next to Damian, screaming his apologies with an opened packet of hot sauce in his hands. Cass deduced that Wally brought the spilled plate of nachos to the meeting, and when he tried to open his hot sauce it accidentally squirted in Jason’s eyes.

Steph and Conner were laughing hysterically at the entire situation and doing nothing to quell the chaos. Bart and Cassie took refuge under the conference table and were looking at what Cass assumed was a wedding catalogue. Roy, Harper, Cullen, and Colin were engaged in a guacamole fight from Wally’s abandoned nachos. Cass was appalled to see that Diana and Kate, the ones who were supposed to be supervising the event, were hiding in the corner and glued to their phones. Dick and Barbara were comforting the crying motivational speaker.

Cass made the decision to slip out while her presence was still unnoticed. She leaned against the wall and found Bruce’s contact in her phone.

“You’re supposed to be listening to the motivational speaker,” was the greeting she received.

“We have a code red in the fourth floor conference room.”

Cass heard Bruce’s sigh, and she could picture him pinching the bridge of his nose. Code red shouldn’t be coming as a shock to Bruce, considering the amount of times the company has experienced a code red with this rowdy group.

“How bad?”

“Level one.”

“Let it play out. If they’re still there in twenty minutes, call security to escort everyone back to their cubicles and offices.”

“Bruce…” She was being serious whenever she referred to her bosses on a first name basis. “I’ve been telling you this for a long time. If you want to whip your employees into shape, it has to be you or Clark leading these workshops. No one else is fit to handle them.”

“I asked for employees, and I ended up with children.”

“And I’m your glorified babysitter.”

“You’re on the clock.”

“Right, Boss.”

 

 

 

 

**III. The Janitor’s Closet**

It all started when Wally came to work with Nerf guns — a duffle bag full of Nerf guns…enough for the entire floor to engage in a Nerf war. He dropped the bag in the middle of the room during lunch, grabbed his gun, and ran around the corner. All at once, everybody else was rushing toward the bag and pulling out their own guns and took their hiding positions.

Unfortunately for her, Cass had a round of emails she had to send out to Bruce’s press team, the editor of Guess magazine, and her grandmother. She figured the best way to be involved without being involved was to hide in the janitor’s closet with her Nerf gun and her laptop, feigning war with the intent to work.

Cass started the email to her grandmother and thanked her for the five-dollar bill she mailed her; it was extremely thoughtful. She thought the last time she saw her grandmother was at her college graduation party; it took a lot to drag that woman from the pits of Palm Springs.

Cass was typing the in the subject line when the door to the janitor’s closet was thrown open. She was ready to tell off whoever had interrupted her work to fuck off, but let a smile grace her face when she made out Steph’s profile. Her girlfriend leaned against the door and slid to the grown with her gun clutched to her chest. Steph smiled wickedly, a plan obviously being hatched in her head.

“No.”

“Oh, come on.”

“I already got an earful from Kate and Dick last week about not cleaning the kitchen after using it,” Cass explained, “so I’ve decided to humor Wally while finishing some work.”

Steph snorted. “How are you working? There’s no light!”

“Shh,” Cass shushed her girlfriend, who was giving her a raised eyebrow, not amused at being hushed. “I don’t want any of those morons busting in here.”

“Don’t worry. The supervision here is appalling. I don’t understand how this company is still running. Bruce and Clark are constantly busy, the managers are absent, and we have to be the worst employees ever to grace the corporate world. I would know, because I work with the absolute worst.” Steph looked like just the mention of Jason called for a drink.

“Now what?” Cass asked. “Are you going to hide out here for a bit head back into the trenches?” She loved her girlfriend, but Cass kind of wished that Steph would decide to go so that she could actually get some work done.

“I’ve already shot Damian in the eye and got Jason in the pucker, so I think everybody could use a break from my mad skills.”

“My condition for you remaining in this closet is that you let me finish these emails before I give you my full attention.”

Steph appeared thoughtful for a moment before asking, “And then we can make out?”

Cass looked up from her laptop with a smirk. “And then we can make out.”

 

 

 

**IV. The Drug Test**

“Yo!”

Cass looked up from her computer with a scowl on her face at being approached with such a greeting, but what more could one expect from Jason? The way he was hanging over the wall that split their cubicles was making her antsy.

“What could you possibly want?”

“Drug test. Fifteen minutes.”

Cass immediately ceased typing.

“Excuse me?”

“You heard correctly.”

Cass wasn’t the most professional at work — thanks to her girlfriend — but she was the best at bullshitting her bosses into believing that she was the most mature out of Bruce’s team. This time may be the time that her luck finally ran out. She completely forgot that someone — her money was on Jason — reported Gross Daryl for snorting cocaine off one of the bathroom sinks.

And now everyone in the company was subject to a drug test that Cass forgot was being conducted today.

“Shit,” she hissed, pushing away from her desk. “I smoked a blunt on the roof during lunch.”

“That’s hilarious.”

Cass ignored Jason as she tried to not run to the girl’s restroom On her way there, she grabbed Steph from her desk and dragged her along. She would’ve felt bad for making her girlfriend think they were going for a quickie if she wasn’t in fear of losing her job.

“What’s up?” Steph asked once Cass got her locked in the bathroom stall.

“There’s weed in my system, and there’s going to be a drug test starting in ten minutes.”

“Oh, my god, Cass.” Steph appraised her with pity. “What are you going to do?”

“You’re going to shove your fingers in my mouth — ”

“Nice — ”

“ — and induce vomiting.”

Steph’s eyes widened. “What the _fuck?_ We’ve engaged in some pretty risky sex, but this…I’ve never done before, I must admit. Not even with myself.”

Cass’s nerves were shot. “Well, I haven’t either, so I was hoping that you could do it for me.” Uncertainty was written on Steph’s face. “If I vomit, then I’ll get to leave the office.”

“To be honest, Babe, I think I might vomit with you.”

“Then get it on the floor instead of on my head.”

Both girls froze when they heard the bathroom door slammed open. The sound of heels clicked across the tile, and a stall door was opened. They heard whoever had entered drop to their knees. Silence for a moment, then gagging noises, then the sound of vomiting. Someone else was clearly in Cass’s situation.

“So…” Steph said slowly, the color draining from her face. “I just…shove my fingers down your throat…and not in the sexy way…”

“Trust me, there’s going to be nothing sexy about this.” Cass kneeled in front of the toilet, while Steph squeezed between the toilet and the stall’s wall. They started at each other expectantly. “Well?”

“Oh! Right. Should I…count down?”

“If that’ll make you feel better.”

Steph sighed. “God, you owe me big.” Cass braced herself over the toilet, waiting for the countdown. “Three…two…one…”

 

 

 

**V. The Tampon**

“Can I borrow a tampon?”

Jason looked up from his computer. “I’m sorry, I must have heard that wrong.”

“No you heard right.”

They kept eye contact for a few seconds before Jason’s eyes went back to his computer and his fingers resumed typing on his keyboard and he stated, “Fuck off.”

 

*     *     *

 

“Can I borrow a tampon?”

“Uh,” Wally said unintelligently. “I don’t think we have tampons just laying around in our drawers. Kori?”

The secretary shrugged. “You’ll have to check, Wally. I’m in the middle of making sure the correct number of chairs show up for the company luncheon in the lobby.”

“Uh…”

 

*     *     *

 

“Can I borrow a tampon?”

Cullen spilled his coffee down his shirt. He fumbled around like a toddler trying to wipe up the mess with a roll of paper towels that was in dire need of being replaced. Cass was kind of hoping that he’d drop the coffee mug, and she’d have the joy of watching it shatter all over the floor.

“A…a what?”

Cass snorted. “Don’t tell me you don’t know what a tampon is.” He couldn’t be _that_ innocent. Hell, he was Harper’s brother.

Cullen’s pink face scrunched up. “I — I know what a tampon is!” he exclaimed childishly. “And I don’t have one,” he added hastily.

 

*     *     *

 

“Can I borrow a tam — ”

“Cain, if you dare to complete that sentence, I will see to it that Father selects you to clean the phallic graffiti in the eighth floor conference room.”

 

*     *     *

 

“Can I borrow a tampon?”

Without tearing his gaze away from the paperback he was reading, Tim opened one of his drawers, searched around blindly for a few seconds, then threw something at Cass. She was shocked to find that it was a tampon.

“How…?”

“I have a first aid kit,” was Tim’s explanation.

“Menstruation is a normal bodily function. Tampons don’t belong in a first aid kit.”

Tim shrugged, still engrossed in his book. “If it controls bleeding, then I keep it in the first aid drawer.” He finally looked up from his novel when the silence carried on a few seconds too long. “You’re welcome.”

 

 

 

**VI. The Walk of Shame**

The light was destroying her slowly, and Cass felt like all of the sweating her body was doing was going to melt her like the Wicked Witch of the West. It was not even seventy degrees an hour ago, but by ten, the temperature was up to eighty-five degrees. This might be the universe’s way of telling her that this is what happens to people who are late for work.

Cass doesn’t expect to be able to sneak into work at ten in the morning and not get away with being late. She’s quite the site, really, dressed in yesterday’s clothing and hair and makeup barely done—she’s even carrying her heels. Nobody in the lobby seems to notice her, but she gets stares in the elevator. When she gets off on her floor, she tries to discreetly make her way to her cubicle, where she is met by Diana.

It wasn’t really a lecture, but more of an intervention of sorts. Diana seemed worried. Cass had been making more of an effort to be just as professional in the office as she was outside of the office, but work had been taking its toll on her. Diana stressed the importance of maintaining an efficient workflow, but not at the expense of her health, because Cass being sick would only interfere with work.

The entire time Diana talked, Cass nodded along when appropriate. At the end of their discussion, Diana thanked her for taking the time to listen; she didn’t feel comfortable lecturing Bruce Wayne’s PR Rep, but she felt it appropriate to confront a friend in need.

Cass returned to her cubicle to find another body occupying it, yet this body was more than welcome to invade her personal space.

“Good morning?” Steph asked, holding out a cup of steaming hot coffee.

Cass took it gratefully. “I can’t believe you left me in your bed this morning. You should have woken me up.”

Steph shrugged unapologetically. “Figured you needed the sleep. You’ve been super busy the last few months. I think that was the first time you spent the night in almost two months.”

“I didn’t mean to be neglectful,” Cass murmured into her coffee.

“That’s not what I said,” Steph amended. “I just want to see you relax a bit. Get back to the old Cass. Remember her? I recall that she filled Jason’s drawer with scorpions when he ditched me at the Los Angeles conference.”

“Mhm.” Cass took a large sip of coffee, a little amused that Steph doubted her ability to have fun. “I recall last Monday when Conner left his Facebook account logged in and I announced to the world that he and Tim were looking for a third to play with.”

“So that was you?”

“You bet.”

“Hm.”

“Told you that there was nothing to worry about.” Cass placed a reassuring kiss to her girlfriend’s cheek. “Now get out of my cube. I believe we’re due for a quickie in the bathroom at around two, so I’m going to get all my work done.”

Steph smiled in relief. “I trust you to be on time.”


End file.
